This is a comment by I.G. Frederick on the post “Why I Don’t Believe in the Domme Deficit“.
Unfortunately too many people, both males and females, use BDSM as a license to abuse: physically, sexually, mentally, and financially. They’re not dominants, they’re abusers.
One of the reasons I don’t consider submission a “gift,” is because no one should offer it with no expectations of anything in return (which is my definition of a gift). D/s should be symbiotic. If it’s parasitic, someone isn’t living up to the responsibilities that come on both sides of the dynamic.
The beauty of a D/s relationship for someone such as yourself is that you have the freedom to give without being taken advantage of. However, that requires a dominant who understands the responsibilities that come with that role and unfortunately, that aspect is often missing in fictional representations that form the cultural narrative.
Another problem that the stereotypes and online “relationships” have created, is the idea of instant D/s. One can’t develop the trust and respect required of a D/s relationship over night. Trust and respect must be earned over time (by both dom and sub) and require open and honest communication. That communication would allow you to develop a relationship with someone who appreciates the thought you put into your service rather than micro managing how you deliver it. Others prefer to have their every action dictated rather than risk making a mistake.
The most important take away from this discussion is that BDSM is not a one-size-fits all dynamic. The most successful, enduring, and passionate relationships are custom built by the participants with all involved working to make sure that the others’ needs get met as well as their own.
Photo credit: Flickr / aldeka_